I have to apologize in advance as this might get a little bit cheesy and emotional. But then again, why apologize for something that is so… ME? I’m cheesy. I’m emotional. But just to warn you, if you’re not into all that you might just want to jump into the photos of yours truly.
I’ve been overly critical of myself in the past and I still have my moments. That’s why it has always been super hard for me to be on the other side of the camera, putting my trust into someone else when I cannot control the angles. At some point I realized I just have to let go. I will NEVER look like a perfect model with her photoshopped body and at this point in my life I don’t even want to look like that because I know how fake that is. I have lines, I have cellulite, I have a lovely little stomach that might never be flat, my shoulders are wider than my hips and I will probably never find jeans that are perfect for my stomach and my legs. But that’s okay, because I’m a real person, not a mannequin.
Nowadays I feel mostly good about myself, but of course there are bad days when I just want to hide from the world and I can go through every single piece of clothing I own and end up not leaving my home because I’m convinced I look like shit. But that’s okay too, because life cannot be perfect all the time. It’s okay to feel bad about silly superficial things, because it will pass. And then you will laugh at yourself and move on. And eventually you stop buying clothes that “flatter” you and buy clothes that you love instead and clothes that make you feel good.
This trip was overall super crazy and emotional and a new beginning for me. It was the first time I had courage to go on a journey all by myself to a land far far away… Of course I had tested my wings by going to Germany in 2014 and to England in 2017, but I’ve always had issues trusting myself enough to really travel alone for longer periods of time. But I knew I had to make it happen. And then the trip changed my life in ways I never knew could be possible.
See… the friend I was referring to in my earlier post isn’t just my friend anymore. I ended up finding my heart in Canada.
So, to say that these photos have a special meaning to me is not saying enough. These photos tell a story of a person who is in the middle of the weirdest times in her life, someone who has started to accept herself as the person who she is, not as the one she always thought she SHOULD be. Following her heart, trying to leave her overthinking brain behind. I have to admit, I miss that hair but I don’t miss how annoying it was to have. My own hair is nothing like that but for some reason (maybe it comes with acceptance) I like it more because it’s naturally me… umm well at least mostly naturally me. Since I don’t really feel like I’m a blonde, going brunette is something fake that feels real.
It was only fitting that I saw these photos for the first time when I was back in Canada again, sitting on sofa in my (well, our) lovely little AirBNB apartment after waking up with a smile on my face. I started browsing through them and immediately started smiling more widely. Then I got to the part where I started crying because I realized how far along I have come in my journey of self acceptance. To even say that I love these photos is probably something I’ve never thought I’d feel when looking at photos of myself. I sat there flipping through the photos for a long time and it made me realize how important it is to trust and let go.
So, a HUGE THANK YOU to amazing Chelle for these memories of my new beginning ❤
It was meant to be, two Fjällräven backpack owners coming together in perfect harmony!